courtesy of <https://theconversation.com/amp/death-isnt-scary-if-youve-had-a-near-death-experience-32557>
My Love was Death
by: Desiree Holman
Death was only just the beginning, but not the end. Almost feels like I’m writing a suicide note, but this is just a memoir of my fatal near death experiences. My heart used to be filled with joy until it blackened and became cold. I always swallow a handful of pills down my throat, feeling life vanishing from my eyes, slowly, but as I wake up the next day death does not come to me. I performed these acts because I suffered many deaths; losing friends, family and relationships. My last death was my recent passing of having lost the love of my life for shattering my heart into pieces. I couldn’t survive another day wondering how this death will surpass or heal within time. I couldn’t bear to breathe, and I began to pierce my heart and stab it so many times until I wanted to bleed out. Once again, death did not come to me. I wanted to fully die because the joy I once felt was gone. This death is still approaching me like a black plague only to try and end my suffering. I have seen the phantom in human form, and he plants the kiss of death on my lips. I still have not died of loneliness, but I am still dead from feeling cold and bitter. I didn’t want to die so young feeling like I’ve lost hope in myself.
Soon everyone wants to take a seat at my funeral. I still listen to their speeches of how they always felt about me. As they sit and feel comfortable in their chairs of judgement, they should understand a person like me who feels dead all the time. Walking in the streets as a corpse and everyone avoids me because of the negative aurora that surrounds the atmosphere. A person like me isn’t always lucky to be alive, having been abandoned in the streets by many, suffering daddy issues, and hurting the mother that sacrificed her youth and body to give me life. Abandonment is what causes death within my soul and I have started to realize that it is the exact answer to my problems. But it isn’t. It’s a wakeup call to revive my heart to feel warmth again. It’s interesting how life can be. People come into your life only to hurt you and destroy your spirit. What’s the point of having a pure love life if love fails and it kills you? I’ve always been told love will get you killed. It can set you free, but still kill you inside. This walking corpse wants to breathe life again, but how can it survive in this world? Giving up in life became the ideal of death, to lose yourself and everyone in this world. The world still moves, and life goes on, but surviving death after death is difficult yet you wonder how someone like me can remain strong. Writing this piece and expressing how many deaths I’ve experienced proves I am still strong and that knowing my story is important. I slowly start to feel life again when I walk outside feeling the sun on my skin and smelling the fresh air. I miss feeling loved, properly, I miss living the life I am chosen to live, and I miss being the good person I tried to be. In my heart I know I am all these things, but I am not sure if that’s what others think about me. I’ve come to realize I can’t rely on those who wish death on me. In the words of rapper Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson and remastered verse Barshar “Pop Smoke” Jackson,
‘Many men, many, many, many, many men
Wish death ‘pon me
Lord I don’t cry no more
Don’t look to the sky no more
Have mercy on me’
Those lyrics inspire true meaning of how people, no matter the circumstance, wish death upon you. I must avoid these negative impacts and embrace my true nature and live again. I still love the kiss of death. It still makes me feel warm inside. It’s not as poisonous as it ought to be, but it is fatal enough to turn my weakness into strength because the kiss of death is still the kiss of life.
